The woman comes home from shopping finding her man running around swinging and the newspaper.

- What are you doing? she says
- Chasing those flies that you said annoyed you!
- Good, have you got any yet?
- Yes, two males and three females...
- ... How can you know which flie is a male and which one is female?
- Simple, the two I killed on the Stella can were males and the three I killed on the phone were females.

A man checks into an hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... Well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished
to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he
saw an envelope, propped
up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.'
With the worst
premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter,with trembling hands.

'Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that
I'm writing you. I had
to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to
avoid a scene with Mum
and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy,
and she is so nice, but
I knew you would not approve of her, because of all
her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so
much older than I am.


But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will
be very happy She owns a trailer in the woods, and
has a stack of firewood
for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many
more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't,
really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
The other people in
the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy
can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care
of myself. Someday, I'm
sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren

Love your son Joshua.


P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at
Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the school report that's on my desk.

at least i found some stories to hehehehehe

The Irish Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'

A : Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'

HAHAHAHAHAHA GOD WON REMUS

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'

Customer says, 'Female.'

Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?

Customer says, 'White.'

Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'





Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

lol

Gay Ray goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.'

Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?

Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice..'

Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'

Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for.

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times..'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

LOL they were good uns....

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

APARTMENT FOR RENT


A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for £500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, callingthe payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for £250 and enclose the following typed note:



'Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check for £250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;

#2 - there was plenty of heat; and

#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:

#1 - it had been previously occupied,

#2 - there wasn't any heat, and

#3 - it was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for £250 with the following note:

' Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.

#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady